I am exhausted!

I am tired pretty much like I always am. Its exhausting being me. It is exhausting every day getting up with so much planned to do. A whole day of no leaving home. And getting little done. This is why I never clean and if I do its one thing and done. This is why I am still living at home. This is why I am still single. I am not pro active enough in my own life. Because of the way I feel. Everything that I HAVE to do takes energy. Sometimes even doing those are tiring but I do them because I know I have to do them. Daily. My dog needs meds. She needs to go outside. I have to clean my mouth guard. I have to change my earrings. My sisters plant needs to be watered since the rain season is going away it needs to be done twice a week. I need to shave. The pets waters and food need to be filled. So you think because I do all that I can do simple things like. Apply for a new job or an internship. How about looking at dating websites. How about cleaning ANYTHING. Even reading my love is hard to do. Its just so much energy. First I have to want to do such a thing. Putting it on a to do list IF I make one is a cute way to begin. Then I have to actually do it. But when I am tired, which is nearly daily, even if I have the whole day at home not working no school no plans, it is just plain HARD! Miracles today: I put the towels in and washed them and dryed them they still need to come out but I am almost done. I had to add washing two things my dog decided to pee on then clean up that pee why Rainbow why. I actually re potted my sisters cactus a plan I was going to do. It was messy dirt everywhere. Then I hung out my wind chimes because I not only remembered to this even if I got them months ago I actually found them (Had no idea where they were) and did it. Well after all that I was spent. I sat around watching tv for 45min a movie I had not seen decided it was dumb wondered why I even wasted time watching the ending when I never saw it in the first place. Dumb and Dumber too nope. Well after that I went on a walk also planned came home. Then things went down hill. I was suppose to eat m sandwich, pant my finger nails and toe nails (did that too!) then come online and apply for internships and do a few other things. Like catch up my live journal blog I am behind by 5 days. But I took way too long to come on here. My energy spent. Its almost 10pm. My sister will be home soon. The one internship I finally go to apply for and it wont let me past the first page. IT has one of those dumb put so many letters and numbers together to sign in. Well I DID THAT like at least 20x. It wont let me sign in. My computer got stupid with the internet connection its issue that comes up for several days in a row every few months. WHY I down loaded some songs from itunes been wanting. That was good. And now my only day off till Monday is gone. And I got nothing done. Most people average people PEOPLE WITHOUT THIS BRAIN DAMAGE just do not get why its so hard for us ADD/ADHD people to get stuff done. Why its hard to do the simplest of tasks and finish them. You just do not get it. I am exhausted I am tired ALL THE TIME. I just cant do things when I am tired. And when I am tired all the time. My depression gets the best of me. I have social anxiety, depression, OCD, autism, perfectionist, introvert and ADD. I am a simple mess. And doing anything daily is hard enough but doing stuff that is both important and necessary is impossible. Btw Christians can and do get depressed and suffer issues. My issues are hidden they are in me. They eat away at me. Daily. Nothing can be done but deal. And wish I had more energy to stop being so frustrated to get stuff done that I need to do I really do NEED to do it but I just cant no matter what or how much I want to try sigh

One track mind...the never finished "to do list" so hard...

I envy so much those people without ADD. Those people who can set out to do a task that could take a very long time. So they set aside time every day to do such a task. And when they are done they are so proud. They smile and say: good job you did it! Go you! Go me! Yes I accomplished a great thing.

It could be anything. Trying to get a job, career, go to school, etc. Although going to school I don’t really count as I know I can accomplish such a feat it’s the other stuff everything else. If you don’t have ADD/ADHD you will never get why we think like this. Its okay I have it and I don’t get why I think like this…

Set before you every day is a clean slate a brand new day. You know you can get so much done. You check your to do list. You see you have FIVE hours to do stuff. Your list is long but you can accomplish so much. To do: go online for one hour, one hour write book notes, one hour clean, one hour read. Okay I get it lets do this. Five hours later you smile you are done. You have done everything on your list. You didn’t spend time doing one thing the whole time. Or forget all together what you was going to do. You accomplished stuff.

The most frustrating thing about having ADD is the constant belief by non’s who think ADD is about distraction but its so much more. And its just so much a part of me that it scares me to think that I will never find someone to settle down with who will get this mindset unless they too get it…

I really have some high goals for myself but some not so much. Simple ones: learn guitar, take book notes on trying to get a career going in blogging, work on some book ideas, and so off I go. I make to do list I do it just like everyone else. But its gotten to the point where I am LUCKY if I remember to look at to do list. I think its getting worse the older I get the harder it is to get anything done because I lose interest fast. It doesn’t matter how interesting it is at this moment it doesn’t mean I will be interested tomorrow or next week or next month.

I have ideas all the time wonderful ideas at the time. I look back at them and sigh sadly as they still sound so nice but I don’t want to do them anymore. I honestly sometimes wish I made tiny goals things I could achieve in a few hours and not in a few days, months, years, etc. How do people do this normally? It doesn’t help me at all. Its nice to think about doing such fancy things but I don’t know how to do every day things. And keep doing them.

I mean of course I do stuff normally every day just like everyone else. I get up, I get dressed, I take care of our kids aka pets, I sometimes go away. I brush my teeth, my hair and put on makeup (sometimes), I work out, I go online, at night I read my bible and I write in journals. For some reason THOSE stick just fine. But new things never do.

Often enough I wonder how to figure out to not do this with new stuff. How to have the energy to get stuff done. The motivation is the word I mean. Motivation to keep going one track one thing and keep doing it day after day till its done.

For example I love that thought if you write ONE page a day at the end of the year you will have written a book. Okay that’s fine…but every year when I think about doing this I never actually you know do it. I sigh look around and wonder why I haven’t published anything. How frustrating it is to be a writer who hasn’t really written anything that you know have heard of. I write a NaNo every November somehow I can spin a 50,000 novel out of nowhere in 30 days. Maybe it’s the deadline. But I cant bring myself to simple work on book ideas when its not November. I don’t even write poetry as often as I used to.

And this is ME before Marriage, kids, etc. This is just me single living at home with my parents and pets. If I ever get to that next part of my life IF its meant for me (at this point its all up in the air) I will not where to go next. That’s another blog entry all together…

While sure its nice to blame such issues on the problem of ADD and knowing I cant really do anything about it. I really wish I could. I wish I could so badly. So much. In fact this very blog entry has been in mind for months now. I finally set down to write it. Hurray for me. I am patting myself on the back. You have no idea what it is like to want to be accomplished regular person and get stuff done but get nowhere at all.

On top of being not interested “motivated” there is the distraction itself. I get distracted by just about everything. I swear if I was in a quiet house with just me NO pets either. No noise nothing going on I would still find something to distract me. I think that’s the funny part about ADD. Not only are you distracted by everything you want to be distracted. Life could be simply boring if there isn’t something going on.

I used to have app’s on my ipod a couple those cute to do list reminder things. I think at first I actually you know USED them. But I didn’t really do much past that. I would write stuff down forget about it and days months later be like what did I write in here. Laugh and just do another list. Few months ago a peace of mind was deleting ALL those app’s because frankly if I cant do a to do list when its on paper I cant do it on my ipod. Which is its own distraction.

Okay I am done for the night. I just thought up a nice blog for next time. I just hope I you know write it sooner than this one as it took me months to do this. I did it. I did one thing. Now on to the million more I want to do…

Free time and writing...oh the (not) joys!

Here's something not everyone will get who doesn't have ADD or ADHD. It zaps every bit of my energy getting from getting up to getting to bed. And when I have those small spaces of time that are FREE I don't do anything productive!

Sure I have stuff to do. This happened since I was a kid. During the Summer. If I wasn't reading or watching tv I was just bored. Did I have stuff to do? Sure! But did I do it? Nope. I was raised before internet, cell phones, and facebook. I pretty much had 3 choices if I was bored: going outside, reading a book or watching tv. I don't complain I loved my childhood but those were my choices...

I didn't even know I had ADD back then. I thought I was just a normal weird kid who daydreamed a lot and was super messy. I'm really glad I didn't know I had it back then. I didn't discover it till around the time I discovered all my messy issues. Perfectionist, worrier, panic attacks, messy, ADD,..

So with that in mind I have this list I made all this stuff I want to do but never do. Its like the great life list. Its not a bucket list, I have that too, its a life long to do list stuff I want to do but may never do. I usually stick to the basics because they are simple and easy and I can do those. I can get up, go online, read a book, watch tv or a movie, etc. But complex things like being all I am supposed to be sound exhausting.

Looking back it could explain why I am not in my career or a published writer. Because those take both time and dedication something that not many will get. I was just reading a book written but a famous guy with ADHD and he said how hard it had been to write a book! It had been literally a battle to get past a page or two of writing (makes me wonder how long it took to write it). And I feel a bit sad but better.

I can now blame my failed dreams on the reality my brain damage is keeping me from doing things I both love and want to do. And if I don't figure HOW to get past them I will never get a book published. I will always just have a *list* that I will never complete and die like this because its how I am.

People don't get it. They think its easy. To not be distracted must be wonderful. But if it was just distraction simple distractions it would be fine. My mind is constantly thinking and distracting itself. I am wondering still how I got a degree in college. But then again I love to think I am very smart and I like to have stuff to do. So there you go.

Of course I want to publish something. I write poetry easily whenever I am inspired but even that can be a task if I am not inspired. They say you don't and shouldn't write just when inspired. But us with ADD deal with this. Inspiration if it doesn't strike.

Putting this all together I wondered how I was able to do National Novel Writing Month every year since 2008? Why? Its a DEADLINE. I have to do this in a month. I have to type so many words every day. They don't have to make sense. Plus I don't have to plan it out. Books real books that people take a while to write sometimes take planning. And with NANO you are forced to do a book without planning it really out. Therefore I think NaNo is really a blessing for those with ADD. But a task after. I still have at least 2 or 3 books I've written so far I want to publish but I cant seem to bring myself to edit them out. But I wrote them isn't that great?

Accomplish any task I set before myself to do and doing it is a miracle. I should reward myself for such tiny things I get done on my to do list because it took a whole lot of brain power to accomplish such things.

So the next time I scold myself for not having done much to this point in my life. I can just pause and recall. Brain damage ADD and all it does to me. Its not me being lazy and stupid. Its not my fault. I must find a way to unlearn relearn and be a changed person. Even if it takes the rest of my life to do that & finish my life time to do list...

The UPS and DOWNS

For anyone who thinks A.D.D. is made up or everyone has it, that is 100% true. The world would be a crazy place if that was true just imagine. I can because I have it and I dont believe everyone else has it too so dont say that.

I wanted to explain now something that been thinking about a lot. Its the ups and downs of this disease of the brain.

Regular people get excited when something comes up and then when its over they might be okay or they might be a little sad. That is NORMAL.

But not for A.D.D. people like me. I get excited about things just like normal because its something to look forward to. Anxious as it gets closer. But instead of enjoying it when its here from seeing a movie I wanted to see, to going to a theme park, etc something fun. I want it to be over. Half way through I want it to be done. I just want it over. And when its over I drop into saddness and depression because its done.

Its only gotten worse over the years. I think I used to actually enjoy things and not be anxious in the middle but now its gotten to the point where I am UP then DOWN more quickly.

I live my life day to day trying to be excited for something. But when I have NOTHING going on nothing to look forward to I am sad even more and depressed even more. I wish I could have something to look forward to.

With no clue what to do about this I just carry on. But its one of those unhappy things about having this. Being super up then dropping super fast. Its like climbing on a roller coaster the hill's are usually even for most people you climb up and drop down same length. But for those of us with ADD you climb far but drop farther and quicker then you planned. Its pretty scary indeed.

No touchy!

Hi I have ADD and I dont like to be touched. I have always been this way ALWAYS. As a kid I never knew the reason why. Especially by guys. As a kid that was my dad I hated being hugged, or patted on the arm. Same thing as now. I dont like being touched.

I never knew till my 20's when I was in college that it was because of ADD it explained a ton. I know I still do it I cant help it.

I'm not even a big germ person who hated being touched cause of germs. I also have no clue why.

My parents friend at church today said to my sister that he would come see me upstairs and I would probably still be "all dont touch me". What? Yeah if I didnt think I came off as that I truly do. I come off as dont touch me.

The ONLY comfort I have is that when I want to be touched by friends guys and girls or anyone I do allow to be touched. Hugged is the biggest issue for me. So I guess in the end if I want to be touched I will let them. But most of the time I dont.

Hands off!

Christian with a problem

First of all. I believe that God gives all people what they are born with. From anger issues to ADD.

So having my issue isn't easy as a Christian. Imagine how we are told we should learn, control, mature. But I can't recall my lessons and so I'm maturing slower or not at all.

Then there's prayer, worship, Bible studies and reading the Bible.

Let's start with prayer. You are told quiet your mind, focus on God don't think of anything else. Yeah right! I try but my mind goes on a ride while I'm praying. I can't help it.

Worship is great. Till something from a light to a person distracts me. Then I get bored wanting it to be over so the message can be done.

Bible studies are great. If there's humor and themes. Not verse by verse same old. I try to take notes but find drawing is better or other stuff. I bring small things to do instead. I always hear the study but I need to be doing other stuff.

Bible reading is bad too. I have to be interested in what I'm reading. It's why I like my yearly Bible. I dont have to try to figure out what to read. I love lots of Bible books. Don't get me wrong but when your minds wanders and you get bored easily it's just not fun.

Don't get me wrong. I love being a believer and ADD is just a thorn in my side. God understands the struggles. I just wish more Christians with the issue of ADD would speak out.

I'd love to expand more on this perhaps even write a book. Help others. But I can't for now as I don't know how to live better myself.

Till I write again

A.D.D. and Job Interviews (this could be a problem!)

So I have had a few job interviews since we moved 3 months ago and I think a few of them I went and did my A.D.D. thing. At the time I didnt know I was doing it so I didnt realize I'd probably recked my job chances by doing them but...it happens to the best of us.

I'd first advice before a job interview:

1. Get sleep (it makes a HUGE difference)

2. DONT have sugar of any kind if you can HELP it (within a good 2 plus hrs before the interview if nothing else).

My first train reck came when I hadnt gotten sleep. Well I had 2 job interviews in a row. I thought I'd nailed my first one well. But now that I look back I realized I was talking too much at the interview, not listening and giving too much information. These are all *key* things that are from A.D.D. At the time I mistook that I was having a nice conversation with my interview guy. Yeah he might have ADD too so who knows what he truly took from it. But either way we talked too much and I think that was bad.

So right after my first interview I was still tired decided it MIGHT be safe to get some sugar. So I got a small chocolate milk at the 99cent store and went to the next interview. This time it was at the Mills and it was for Bath & Body. I had never had an interview with ANY B&B and it excited me. So we had a group thing but it was just 2 of us (1 didnt show). And it would have been fine till she asked me why I wanted to work at the store. I had sugar so I thought this sounded okay. But lmk what you think. I realized what I'd said hours later at home and still laugh over it:

"I want to work for your store because its so bright. I dont just mean the staff who is always so nice and friendly but the store itself. I've been in MANY different stores but none are as LITE UP as this store is!"

So I learned from that one not to talk about stores in general...or so I thought (see below haha).

I know I screwed up one for Claire's cause I well you know just took too long to answer a few questions...not a good idea I might add!! That was ADD too I know it was.

My last example was simply this. Dont tell the person anything about their store. I dont know why but I decided NOT once but TWICe to tell them at Childrens Place that she had the largest store I'd ever seen. Its one thing to do that but it prooved I didnt have anything else to say so I shouldnt be saying anything at all. Put it out of misery stop stalling and LEAVE!!

From all this I learned not only not to have sugar, not to be too tired but not to talk so much. Listen to questions, answer them, and try to not let my replies and their go off somewhere. Needless to say I'm sure the guy at Bookmans might have hired me. But either I really did talk too much, he forgot about me, or in the end realized he had ADD who needs another goofy person around like me?

You cant hide your ADD but at least for the love of pete and all thats normal just try to act normal. Just for that tiny spot of about 15 to 30 mint.