Here's something not everyone will get who doesn't have ADD or ADHD. It zaps every bit of my energy getting from getting up to getting to bed. And when I have those small spaces of time that are FREE I don't do anything productive!
Sure I have stuff to do. This happened since I was a kid. During the Summer. If I wasn't reading or watching tv I was just bored. Did I have stuff to do? Sure! But did I do it? Nope. I was raised before internet, cell phones, and facebook. I pretty much had 3 choices if I was bored: going outside, reading a book or watching tv. I don't complain I loved my childhood but those were my choices...
I didn't even know I had ADD back then. I thought I was just a normal weird kid who daydreamed a lot and was super messy. I'm really glad I didn't know I had it back then. I didn't discover it till around the time I discovered all my messy issues. Perfectionist, worrier, panic attacks, messy, ADD,..
So with that in mind I have this list I made all this stuff I want to do but never do. Its like the great life list. Its not a bucket list, I have that too, its a life long to do list stuff I want to do but may never do. I usually stick to the basics because they are simple and easy and I can do those. I can get up, go online, read a book, watch tv or a movie, etc. But complex things like being all I am supposed to be sound exhausting.
Looking back it could explain why I am not in my career or a published writer. Because those take both time and dedication something that not many will get. I was just reading a book written but a famous guy with ADHD and he said how hard it had been to write a book! It had been literally a battle to get past a page or two of writing (makes me wonder how long it took to write it). And I feel a bit sad but better.
I can now blame my failed dreams on the reality my brain damage is keeping me from doing things I both love and want to do. And if I don't figure HOW to get past them I will never get a book published. I will always just have a *list* that I will never complete and die like this because its how I am.
People don't get it. They think its easy. To not be distracted must be wonderful. But if it was just distraction simple distractions it would be fine. My mind is constantly thinking and distracting itself. I am wondering still how I got a degree in college. But then again I love to think I am very smart and I like to have stuff to do. So there you go.
Of course I want to publish something. I write poetry easily whenever I am inspired but even that can be a task if I am not inspired. They say you don't and shouldn't write just when inspired. But us with ADD deal with this. Inspiration if it doesn't strike.
Putting this all together I wondered how I was able to do National Novel Writing Month every year since 2008? Why? Its a DEADLINE. I have to do this in a month. I have to type so many words every day. They don't have to make sense. Plus I don't have to plan it out. Books real books that people take a while to write sometimes take planning. And with NANO you are forced to do a book without planning it really out. Therefore I think NaNo is really a blessing for those with ADD. But a task after. I still have at least 2 or 3 books I've written so far I want to publish but I cant seem to bring myself to edit them out. But I wrote them isn't that great?
Accomplish any task I set before myself to do and doing it is a miracle. I should reward myself for such tiny things I get done on my to do list because it took a whole lot of brain power to accomplish such things.
So the next time I scold myself for not having done much to this point in my life. I can just pause and recall. Brain damage ADD and all it does to me. Its not me being lazy and stupid. Its not my fault. I must find a way to unlearn relearn and be a changed person. Even if it takes the rest of my life to do that & finish my life time to do list...
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